LAUGHS TO RING IN THE NEW YEAR

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Only in America
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Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America...are there handicap parking spaces in front of ice skating rinks.

Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back 
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people buy cigarettes in the front.

Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

Only in America...do banks leave doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the 
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America...do we have answering machines to screen calls then have 
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in a package of ten and buns in a package of eight.

Only in America...do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and 
a draft dodger live in the White House.


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Polish Joke
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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a 
Polish joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should 
know something. I'm 6 feet tall and weigh 200 pounds, and I'm Polish. 
The guy sitting next to me is 6 feet 2 inches tall and weighs 225 pounds 
and he's Polish. And the fella next to him is 6 feet 5 inches tall and 
weighs 250 pounds and he's Polish, too. Now you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."


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Puzzles
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Solve the following puzzles by saying them out loud over and over, faster 
and faster, repeating the phrase until you hear the answer. Example: 
LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place). Answer: Los Angeles. You can find the answers at 
the end of this page.

1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person).
2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character).
3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person).
4. MOW BEAD HICK (book).
5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person).
6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (food).
7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing).

-From: Frank Helton in AZ

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Clinton Joke
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Someday, a long time from now, President Clinton finishes his time on earth 
and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be? inquiries 
St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the United States and Leader of 
the Free World."

"Oh...Mr....President! What can I do for you?" asks St. Peter. "I'd like to 
come in, "replies Clinton. "Sure," says the Saint. "But first, you have to 
confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't 
call it dope-smoking because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate 
extra-marital relationships, but you can't call it adultery because I didn't 
have full sexual relations. And I made some statements that were misleading 
but legally accurate, so you can't call it bearing false witness because as 
I know it, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "Well, 
we'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it Hell. You'll be there 
indefinitely, but we won't call it eternity. And when you enter you don't 
have to abandon all hope, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to 
freeze over."

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Silly Jokes
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Q: Why did the cucumber blush?
A: He saw the salad dressing!

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Answers to Puzzles

1. Jacques Cousteau.
2. Santa Claus.
3. Michael Jordan.
4. Moby Dick.
5. Thomas Jefferson.
6. Chiquita Banana.
7. The Titanic.